FINDING MY WAY

Life is a challenge, it is a constant battle to the next step but it didn’t always feel like that. I can remember, even if it feels like a dream or a story I’ve been told over and over again until I adopted it as my own, my childhood and not having a care. I remember that feeling leaving me around 13 when I was told my dad was sick. I remember it returning the first time I smoked some devil’s lettuce. But, I don’t remember much after that, unless I really concentrate. But when I remember those days, that nostalgia comes flooding in.

Missing the times with my dad, who’s no longer here with us, missing the feeling of being protected, having safety and security, that I don’t have to provide for myself. Sometimes being taken care of is detrimental, that is what happened in my case. My parents love and affection extended to money, clothes, cars, trips and all those great things. Mainly because my dad grew up poor, got sick before age 40, he didn’t know how long he had and wanted us to enjoy every moment we had together. It was great but because of my inability to cope with his illness as a young teen, I turned to substances to try and fill that void. They didn’t,

What they did do was stunt my development, turn me into an emotional mess, make me quit all the things I had ever cared about and basically be singly focused on getting my next high. That took time to develop, but it started with that first puff at 12 or 13. All of that lead me to where I am today. Lead me to get clean at 23 and keep it that way, lead me into business and out of it, and now to music.

I have a lot of stories about the journey, that’s what this is all about. I’ve learned a lot of lessons from my failures and triumphs. I want to share that in my music, here in writing and anywhere people might listen. Nothing I say is about telling you how to think, how to feel, it’s just my experience, my opinion and my advice. I learned the hard way that money doesn’t solve everything, it can cause many issues when there is no accountability attached to it. It breeds entitlement, trust me I know.

I’m finally learning now how hard life really is, but I know this is part of the journey I have to go through to be a better person, to be a better musician, to be a better mentor, teacher and friend. Life has me up and it has me down but it’ll never keep me there. I tried being the professional in a suit, and I looked good but deep down I was playing a part. I knew it wasn’t meant to last, even if most of me tried to suppress that for as long as possible. But, eventually life decides to kick me in the ass and I had no choice but to move in a new direction. As insane as the idea of trying to be a musician sounds, it was more insane for me not to try.

Now it’s about overcoming my fears, my uncertainty; that little voice that tries to undermine all the things I want to accomplish. It’s about snuffing that little voice to death and letting the true voice ring through. The one that tells me to keep going, that I have something, even if I don’t know what it is. I know playing the hell out of my guitar is what I’m meant to be doing but for some reason I need everyone else to know that I play the hell out of the guitar. Yet, I find myself afraid to promote myself, to reach out to contacts, to put myself on the line. But I’m deciding I’m done waiting, I’m done with that little voice telling me what I can’t do, and I’m listening to the voice that tells me I CAN DO ANYTHING…except fly unassisted, I’m not Superman…yet.